my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
