Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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