he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Drunk is not a location!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
