I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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