every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
