just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
