I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
