you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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