Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize