i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
