seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
