I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
