I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
