Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
