okay pat passed out under dana's car
I forgot how hot balto sounded
a search helicopter?!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
