wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
