Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
