So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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