Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dignity is for republicans.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sorry about my life...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
