her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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