There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
