how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
