I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
