my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
