i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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