True but thats because hes a fetus.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
