btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
two words: eviction party
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
