Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
