I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
