my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
