I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
