I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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