Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
