No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
