I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
