U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize