Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Text me some of your sweat
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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