my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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