I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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