I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
