So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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