I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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