I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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