She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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