im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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