I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
