Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
