K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
