can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
