and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
