Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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