my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
