my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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