My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
