she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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