i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
