the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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