Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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