Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
